New Year's Resolutions You Can Actually Keep Humor

I read nonfiction, but I'd rather write humor. I am not perfect, nor am I consistent. I am a piece of work in progress.

Why make real resolutions when you'll abandon them anyway?

New Year's Resolutions Are Funny

Every year people brand resolutions to alter something about themselves or outset doing something differently. Unfortunately, their New year's resolutions end quickly, and before long they are back to the same thing again. Setting New year's resolutions has become such a joke that it's probably more useful to write a list of funny resolutions and express mirth at them. Yous could, of class, gear up resolutions for yourself at any time of the year.

40 Resolutions to Make You Express joy

Here is a listing of funny New year'southward resolutions that you can laugh at before you fix yourself upwards for failure this year. Write your own funny New Year'south resolutions at the bottom of this folio, so the list can be even longer. Good luck resisting falling into the resolutions trap!

10 "Realistic" Resolutions

I will...

1. Start washing my hands after I apply the restroom.
2. Terminate drinking orange juice after I've merely brushed my teeth.
3. Stop licking frozen flagpoles.
4. Merely go divorced and remarried once this year.
5. Watch more than movie remakes.
6. Go back to school . . . to avoid paying my student loans.
7. Simply eat white snow.
8. Keep it to myself that I have trouble with authority when I'k being interviewed.
9. Spend less than $ane,825 on coffee at Starbucks this year.
10. Claim all my pets equally dependents on my taxes.

It's a hard job, but someone's gotta do information technology.

Sereja Ris, via Unsplash

ten Technology-Related Resolutions

I will...

1. Spotter more cute and cuddly kitten videos on YouTube.
2. Cheque my work e-mail account at least one time this year.
3. Switch my username to "password" and my password to "username" to make each a lot harder for hackers to figure out.
4. Watch less Television set . . . in standard definition.
5. Stop buying worthless junk on eBay—because QVC has meliorate specials.
6. First using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes.
7. Aid kids stay prophylactic by not texting on my prison cell phone while eating McDonald's and speeding through crosswalks in school zones with a frost-covered windshield.
8. Avoid fingertip soreness by learning to play Rock Band instead of a real guitar.
9. Offset a web log about how I would write more than often if I had something of import to write. Only brand ane blog entry and get out it published for years.
10. Talk with a robot vocalization all the time.

Hey, I am giving something upward.

Katherine Sousa, via Unsplash

10 Diet and Weight Management Resolutions

I will...

1. Lose weight by hiding information technology somewhere you'll never notice information technology.
2. Gain enough weight to get on "The Biggest Loser."
3. Buy new clothes big enough to account for next yr's holidays.
4. Start smoking to lose weight.
5. Lose weight past inventing an anti-gravity machine.
6. Lose weight past living on the moon.
7. Find a more accurate scale.
8. Build biceps by increasing reps of Ding Dong curls to iii sets of 15.
9. End buttering my doughnuts.
10. Swallow more than fruit . . . snacks.

That'southward financially sound, right?

freestocks.org, via Unsplash

10 Resolutions Virtually Coin and Finances

I will...

1. Pay off my credit cards every calendar month in full . . . with my other credit cards.
2. Relieve some money for a rainy day. That way I can shop online instead of having to go to an actual store.
3. Go on better records throughout the year. That way I can heed to ameliorate music while I'1000 figuring my taxes.
4. Look for investors for my "home office" business organization.
5. Lower my bills past digging a hole to put them in.
6. Avoid getting a divorce by practicing polygamy.
7. Borrow things more often. Return them less often.
8. Visit the grocery more oft than restaurants, peculiarly when costless samples are beingness served.
9. Buy a burn down extinguisher—so my money won't burn a hole in my pocket.
10. Stop throwing away coin that could at least be burned for heat.

Read More From Holidappy

Write Your Own Funny New year'due south Resolutions

Feelie on January 01, 2020:

read actual sense of humor

Lewis hylven on December 31, 2019:

My new years resolution is to get a new task that pays good

Roy on December thirty, 2019:

I can never accomplish resolutions. Except maybe these.

DONO on Dec 26, 2018:

I don't brand new twelvemonth resolutions; I am perfect already.

Doris H. Dancy from Yorktown, Virginia on January 12, 2015:

Hi Blake ~ Thanks for the early morning laughs to start my solar day, specially the one I made about paying off my credit cards every month. My husband idea that was funny coming out of my rima oris about twenty years ago.

Me on Nov 02, 2014:

Cease smoking. I'll worry about the burn later.

Mike B on December thirty, 2013:

I'm going to order an Aroused Whopper and try to get it to calm downward.

Kliney Joe on Dec 31, 2012:

I'g going to castor my teeth after I eat broccoli

California Daughter on Jan xxx, 2012:

My new years resolution is to write 2012 instead of 2011..... It gets me every time!

hippo on January 02, 2012:

stop loosing my balls on the golf course.

Michael B on January 01, 2012:

Put more embarassing items in random peoples carts while shopping at Wal-Mart. After all who doesn't demand a family size canteen of lube!

Paul on December 31, 2011:

My new years resolution is not to have whatever new years resolutions.

Nagi01 on December 31, 2011:

Finish going to funerals.

Mary Wickison from Brazil on December 31, 2011:

I vow to squeeze the tube of toothpaste from the end and non the heart. Unless I am trying to badger my husband of course.

WD Curry 111 from Space Coast on December 31, 2011:

Quit walking off with other peoplle'south pens.

Sandy on Dec 31, 2011:

To stop using Botox so my spruce tin can wake upward to the "existent me". Lol

Bob on December 30, 2011:

My New Year's Resolution is to not say any s'south in my sentences

Erin LeFey from Maryland on Jan 01, 2011:

I will open a new credit card with a higher limit to pay off my old credit cards once and for all. And finally start going to the mall again.

brinkleyrect2002.blogspot.com

Source: https://holidappy.com/holidays/FunnyNewYearsResolutions

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